I'll Be Here
by the Harechan
Summary: A look into Leon's mind as he faces the past and the experiences that transformed him from Squall Leonhart.


I'm a fan of _Final Fantasy VIII_. Huge fan in fact. I think this is due mainly due to the fact that it was the first FF game I completed. That and Laguna makes me giggle. So, guess how excited the Hare was when "Leon" appeared in _Kingdom Hearts_? (Selphie showing up on Destiny Islands was a pleasant surprise as well) I thought, "Cool! It's Squall! Yay!" and I may have done a happy dance as well. I'm not certain. It was a few years ago... Anyway. To my utter and complete disappointment, no other FFVIII character shows up. Sure, there's a plethora of _Final Fantasy VII_ characters (including the one that dies halfway through the game and no Vincent to boot.), but Squall (and Selphie) are the only ones from FFVIII? _WTC_? .

Therefore, I wrote a fic (forever ago...) that was my take on Leon and how he transformed from Squall. The setting for this is the first game at some point after originally meeting Leon and before Sora meets him again in the cavern. If you'd like to read this in the proper color coding for it, it's at my LJ ( harechandotlivejournaldotcom ). Now without further ado . . .

Okay a little more ado: _Kingdom Hearts_ and _Final Fantasy VIII_ all character names, distinctive likenesses, and themes contained herein are the exclusive property of Sony Computer Entertainment Inc., Square Enix Arts L.L.C., and Square Co., Ltd. I am not receiving monetary gain from this nor do I expect to.

**I'll Be Here. . .**

* * *

"Why do you train so much?" 

It's funny how her voice sends me to a completely different place and a much different time. A time I sat in a classroom being taught by a remarkable blonde instructor. (**_'I knew it would be either you or Seifer!'_**) Sometimes I find myself half-expecting Aeirth to quiz me on G.F. junctioning.

She's the responsible one; the one that is always thinking like an adult, as Quistis was. It's strange, isn't it? She even looks like Quistis in her own way and possesses the same level of intelligence. Both remain calm in desperate situations and count as a voice of reason. At other times, she reminds me painfully of Ellone, with her sincerity and kindness. (**_'Squall . . . so we meet again.'_**) She's always thinking about the others. Acts the part of the mother to us all.

She glances at me over the book she's reading, giving me a knowing smile. (**_after all, she knows all._**) "Leon? Are you still with us?"

I blink out of my reverie, shrugging, "I just do, Aeirth." She's still puzzled I'm sure, but doesn't question it further. I knew she wouldn't.

"I know why," Cid speaks from the corner. I turn my head to look at him. (**_so, does _****he****_ know the truth?_**) "He does it so he can stop the Heartless." That isn't the real reason (**_not exactly Cid. . .)_**. Cid is brash and out-spoken, says what is on his mind, and doesn't hold back when he voices his opinion. Zell was like that at times. (**_'Whoa! I'm with you!?'_**) They both fidget. Cid tinkers with whatever computer or airship part is handy; Zell never sat still. Odd how he possesses Zell's aggression and energy, contained with an almost Irvine-esque level thinking. He's not the player Irvine was, not by any means (_**'Selphie, Rinoa, Quistis. I don't know which one to choose.'**_). And like those men from my other life, regardless of his harmless exterior, I wouldn't piss him off.

"Is that why you spend all your free time at that cavern?" I can't believe Yuffie waited this long to join the conversation. She normally includes herself sooner. Her resemblance to Selphie is uncanny. (**_'Thanks! I don't get lost anymore!'_**) Both are a bundle of spunk and infectious cheer. She acts a great deal like Selphie as well. She smiles at me, with hope creeping into her eyes, "Well, Squall? Is it?" (**_poor thing doesn't get it, does she?_**)

I hate it when she calls me _Squall_. Regardless of how often I remind her, she still does it on occasion. It's hard, though, to get mad about it with a person that's so cheerful and innocent. "Yes," I say this louder in answer, rising to my feet and picking up my gunblade. **_(hurts to lie, doesn't it?_**) "I'll be back later."

"You're going again, Squall?" Yuffie looks crestfallen; I think she wanted to go do something with me. (**_why does she ask? you always do?_**)

"Yes," I growl, my anger perking at the use of my given name, hurriedly leaving that suddenly cramped room. (**_the name is _****Leon**) She doesn't understand; none of them can. The reason I go to the cavern is to forget all that I lost. It's all I can do now, to lose myself in the simplicity of training. What they don't understand is that even when I'm with them, I still have nothing. They couldn't understand that "Squall Leonhart" died when the Heartless destroyed his word and took everything from him. She doesn't understand that I will never be Squall Leonhart again. I can only be Leon now.

_Squall Leonhart_ had everything. _He_ was the commander of an elite fighting force, leading both the SeeD mercenaries and his own personal team with ease and expertise (**_until that was all over . . .)_**. _He_ maintained the integrity and safety of Balamb Garden and its inhabitants (**_until its destruction . . .)_**. _He_ had friends whom he grew up with (**_'Let's go light fireworks on the beach!'_**), who fought beside him before, and who would do the same again without question. (**_until they were gone too . . .)_** _He_ had a father who loved him unconditionally and a sister who cared for him beyond words. (**_but, you never appreciated them . . .)_** _He_ had the love of a woman he adored and would do anything for. (**_until she was taken . . .)_**

Leon is a man with nothing. He "leads" a group of refugees removed from their home. He fights a futile battle against the creatures that destroyed everything to begin with. He can hardly protect the tentative friends he's found. He exists at the edge of a group that formed bonds long before he arrived. He is a man without anything more than a handful of memories of a time that will never be again.

I would do anything to have them back. I would do anything to hear Selphie's insistent questions (**_'So will you help with the Garden Festival?'_**) or one of Irvine's lame pick-up lines (**_'But we're destined for each other!'_**). I would do anything to watch Quistis lecture the junior classmen (**_'Now about junctioning elemental magic . . .'_**) or Zell spaz about the Cafeteria's lack of hotdogs (**_'D-Do you have any . . . hot dogs left?'_**). I'd even tolerate Seifer's arrogance (**_'The black mercenary has come to fight the Sorceress' Knight?'_**), just as long as I'm no longer alone. I don't want to be alone.

At an earlier point in my life, I was alone at an orphanage by the sea. My mother died and I never knew of my father until I was too jaded to welcome him back into my life. My "sister" just disappeared one day (**_'Where did you go, Sis?'_**). As for the other orphans, I didn't care much for them. (**_ah, the irony._**) I built a wall around me to keep others at bay. I wore the anti-social façade like a shield so that no one could get close to me. I continued in that lonely existence until _she_ came in to it. She lit up my dark soul and warmed my icy heart, breaking down the barrier. (**_'Squall, you think too much.'_**) It felt good to be alive again, to feel . . . but that's gone now too.

See the others may have lost their world, but I lost everything. They can't realize how painful it is to me when they're all together. They will never understand my loneliness for they still have one another. They still have their friendship. I, though, watched the Heartless steal her away. Nothing I did or tried stopped them. I watched my comrades (**_your only friends_**) fall to them as well, each of them fighting until their last breath. Then it was just me and . . . Rinoa . . . left on that barren plain.

There, I said her name. Rinoa. (**_'You're the best looking guy here. Dance with me?'_**) It's been too long since I have. It's been too difficult to do. It's difficult to remember how the Heartless desecrated that sacred field, where we made those heartfelt promises. (**_'I'll be here . . .'_**) It's painful to remember how she calmly reached out to me, whispering a spell to save and protect me. (**_is that not suppose to be the other way around?_**) How I was helpless when the shadows swallowed her up, extinguishing her light forever. (**_'Look into my eyes. You're-going-to-like-me. You're-going-to-like-me. Did it work?'_**)

I hate myself for not stopping them, for not being strong enough, for breaking my promise to her. (**_'I'll protect you.'_**) I hate myself for surviving. I should have died on that plain. I was her Knight and I failed in my duty to protect her.

But, there is a small corner of my heart that believes she still lives. It clings to the hope that she survived and that I would know, beyond all doubt, that she died that day. (**_She couldn't have!_**) It screams my heart would have been ripped from me if she had. It says no Knight possesses the strength to outlive his or her charge. (**_perhaps you were never a true Knight . . .)_**

If it's true (**_Oh please let it be true._**), I'll become stronger. I'll become strong enough so I can find her again (**_You fought through time to save her . . . _**_**but is anyone lucky enough to achieve the impossible twice?**_) Let her be alive so I may never be alone again. Let her be alive so that I too can be alive again. Let her be alive so I can be _Squall _again.

Rinoa, wherever you are please return to me. Please come and find me because I'll be here . . . (**_'Why . . . ?'_**) I'll be "waiting" . . . here . . . (**_'For what?'_**) I'll be waiting . . . for you . . . If you come here . . . you'll find me. **"****I promise.****"**

**. . :: Fin :: . .**

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Alright, so, wow. I wrote this in 2003, almost four years now. I revamped the notes, cleaned up a few things, and tweeked a few things. The italicised lines were a pain; I replayed part of the game to double check them... --;; 

Also, to those who read my previous ANs and were annoyed, hurt, or angered by them, I am sorry. I was stupid and angry when I wrote them to begin with so I ended up stuffing my foot in my mouth. If you happen to be reading this, I am sorry, truely.

At any rate, reviews are love! And, again, if you'd like to read this in the proper color coding for it (which I think makes it a bit eariler to read), it's at my LJ ( harechandotlivejournaldotcom ).


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